Un-Inspirationally inspirational

One night I was having this long-winded conversation with my little brother. We started talking about random things, but you know how unintended conversations tend to drift off into something that won’t let you sleep at night. Hence, why I am writing this instead of sleeping. As our conversation grew into territories, I didn’t intend for it to get he said something that struck me deep. He said, “your life isn’t inspirational”. I know maybe I shouldn’t take the word of a 17-year-old, but it got me thinking. Why are we alive if not to be inspirational?

Life hasn’t been easy I will be honest. The most inspirational people in this world are people that went through hell and found ways to be better for it. Let’s be honest my brother’s definition of inspirational people tends to be people that have their life together, people that wake up early and go to the gym, people that have clean rooms, people that go to church and have an amazing relationship with God, people that aren’t tainted by the purity culture and “church people” and I am none of the above. I tend to sometimes lose time, I never stay focused on one thing, my interest’s change every two weeks if I’m lucky, I tend to sleep a lot, I never really mind a messy room and sometimes I lose faith and people effect my judgment.  

We hear all the stories and read books about people that made it in life, from rags to riches. We hear stories about how hard work and dedication can get you to the goal that you want. No one ever tells you what to do on the bad days, on the days where you feel like no matter what you do nothing will change, on the days that feel like everything around you is suffocating you, on the days where, when you see the sun rising you think to yourself “WHY, GOD? WHY?” and even if they tell you about those days, it is some babble about power through, all you have to be is dedicated, you’re not depressed you are just lazy, get out of the bed, get clean air, take a walk.

I know some of these work for someone out there and I’m glad they do. But for those of us that took a walk and still felt drained and exhausted, I’m glad it didn’t work for us. Because as I sat there looking at my brother and hearing that my life didn’t amount to anything I thought back to all that I have been through. I know sometimes even for me it feels like I am giving excuses, excuses that say I get to be the way that I am because the world did me wrong. And I know that leads to this sense of entitlement that so many of us have. But at the end of the day whether I spent the day curled up in bed or working my ass off, I don’t need to be inspirational to anybody but to 13-year-old me. Because 13 year old me never thought I would survive outside of my home(well no one did but that’s another topic for another day), she never thought I would move miles away from my parents, she never thought I would make friends, she never thought I would learn to forgive, she never thought I would actually put my writing out there for people to read(well 3 readers, but hey that’s something), she never thought I would lose so much, and she definitely never thought I would get to 21. So, cheers to all of you out there who are surviving the day, who are doing the best that you can with what you were dealt with. Yes, sometimes we don’t do much on the days that suck. But on the days that matter, on the days where living doesn’t suck too much, I know we do our best. Here is to being un-inspirationally inspirational to little you.

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