If I still could be a kid I would. I would stay innocent, innocent enough to have heaven at the tip of my fingers. For a long time I thought growing up was all about turning eighteen, graduating high school, starting the college experience, moving out and so on. But you see even after experiencing all this I didn’t feel grown up. Then, I thought if I acted through all this, maybe one day I will actually feel grown up. Turns out growing up isn’t in any of this. Apparently, being a grown up isn’t some magnificent transformation from rugs to riches we see in a Disney movie. It is something we achieve through painful experiences through life. Small moments in life, the heart breaking ones let you experience growth.
First, you realize the world isn’t the way you thought it was. You are striped of your innocence. You realize people hate rather than love, people are selfish rather than selfless, body image matters more than what’s inside, true love is a lie, smiles say less and pictures are only pretty if they are fake. And as each and every concept of the beautiful world you had lived in is painted gray, the shine you had in your eyes as a kid is dulled. Not entirely gone but diminished enough that you start to look like the crowd.
After you are stripped of your innocence, you are admitted to the world. This imbalanced place where you are supposed to find your balance. You’re supposed to find a place in an overcrowded space with people of every kind. Each person has their own opinion about everything and everyone and if your opinions align you find a place, a home, and your people. In some rare cases your opinions are out of this world. You are odd and unique. The thing is this world doesn’t like those who are odd. So opinions of the majority are drilled into your head until the bright color you were wearing in the midst of all the gray is dulled and forgotten.
Then, in the midst of all the personal chaos, comes loss. Loss never comes alone, it is always accompanied by grief, anger and pain. It hits you all at once. Nothing is meant to last forever. You lose things, you lose friends, and you lose family and in the end you just lose. I think finally, when our world crumbles and falls the trick is to not fall apart with it. Those who fall with it grow up. They become a part of society, drilled and drugged and burnt to the ground. Those who don’t fall, those are the people that wear an all yellow shirt in a crowd of gray ones. Those people will always stay a child at heart. They proudly say growing up is overrated.
